Sunday, January 25, 2009

Would You or Wouldn't You?

The hubby and I had an interesting conversation the other day. He surprised me. I believe we were listening to the radio when someone said a guy or girl was "remarrying" their ex-spouse. It didn't even occur to me the hubby would think about what was being said. Then the hubby said, "now why would someone do that?" "What?" He continued, "why would someone waste time on remarrying someone they divorced?" I thought this to be odd. I said, "I'm sure there are all kinds of reasons. Money, stress, job, you name it. Once those pressures have been taken care of or changed, then maybe they decided to work on their relationship."

The hubby didn't agree. He told me once someone divorced things really don't change. He wouldn't waste his time if it were him. Then I reminded him of his friend who had done just that. Different ballgame. He didn't count. That was okay. For anyone else to do it, it was just really strange. I continued to disagree. I think people can learn from being apart or from working on what ails them. I did and do have one exception. Infidelity. He agreed with me on that but insisted once you are divorced there is no reason to go back. I continued to defend my case ( I don't know why I do this, I hate it when he gets in these moods to beat a dead horse, I know I'll never win). He wouldn't budge.

I don't know why this conversation surprised me so much. But it did. I learned something about my husband that I was not aware of. It made me happy especially thinking about something my mother in law once told me.

THEN, THEN I read a post from Blueridge Gal. It was a forgiveness issue, or two, or three. Can you trust enough to forgive? Holy cannoli, she gave three examples of whether or not would you forgive. They really made me thankful for the situation I'm in. How can people be so absurd? If your interested, go for a visit to read them. They made my head spin.

Remember the old saying, "forgive, just don't forget"? Really? Can you forgive without forgetting? I don't think so. But then I believe a part of me doesn't heal if I don't forgive. I don't want to be one of those hateful bitter people I see at Wal-Mart. Life isn't easy. No one I know has said that anyway.
I thought I would add this. Since many of you know I've been married twice. I would not remarry my first husband. Just for the reason I named earlier. I've forgiven him and truly it's been so long ago I don't even feel like I've been in another marriage. (He just seems like an old friend when I see him. It's kinda void.) Except for the fact I miss his family. They were good to me and they are wonderful people.


tam said...

HHHMMM that is an interesting topic Lisa. I have been married for 25 years and together 28-since I was 19 years old. If I could do it all over again-I wouldn't! Not to say I don't love my husband-but I was way too young to know what I was getting myself into! I needed to experience more of life before commiting myself like that! A brother to one of my dearest friends from childhood re-married-big mistake they are now in the middle of a very ugly divorce for the second time-so sad. I do think it depends on the people involved-but statistics are against them I am afraid. You can love someone but it doesn't mean they are the "one" for you to spend the rest of your life with. Whether married or not any relationship requires work and it is to be expected that there will be bumps in the road. Lord knows we have had ours! I have taught my kids and other young people get to know your potental spouse as much as you possibly can before getting married. Ask every question you can and get into the deep disscusions before hand. I think so many people don't really know who they are marrying! OOOOKay I just realized I wrote a novel here. But this is a topic I can go on and on about!LoL! Hope your day is a good one!~Tam:D

Sue said...

I'm with her...I got married at 20. I should have gone to college, I think about all the great things I missed out on. We made sure our daughter got two degrees and a solid income before she married...would I marry the same person for a second time....My God No.....not if he was bad enough to divorce him in the first place. Only idiots make the same mistake twice...

Pat@Back Porch Musings said...

J and I have been married over 25 years, 2nd time for both of us. We never see his ex...they were married 7 years. On the other hand, my ex and his wife are always at family celebrations, as we are. He is the father of my daughters and we made a sort of pact to keep things civil and have managed to do that almost 3o years, since divorced in 81. We were married 20 years. Even though we are cordial...I could never see myself remarrying him and I know J would not marry his ex. Having said all parents divorced when I was 12 after about 14 years of marriage. In 1965 when I was 22, they remarried and were married 11 years, before that marriage ended in divorce also.

Terri and Bob said...

I married Bob when I was 18. Should I have waited? Probably, but I still think he would have been the one I married. Has he been every kind of jerk there is? Absolutely, but so have I, probably! Would I do it just the same, knowing the outcome? Absolutely. If I divorced him, though, I doubt that I would ever remarry him.

Anonymous said...

I don't know. My hubby and I have been married 43 years first time for each of us. I just don't know. Like you say situations change. Something must have attracted you to that person in the first place. I know of two couples who remarried after divorce. One couple got another divorce after several years but the other couple stayed together.

Anonymous said...

Hi Lisa.... My first husband and I were divorced for eight years and then tried to have a second go round.. we did not marry, but we did live together... all the old problems from when we were married eight years earlier surfaced again... So glad he is now someone else's husband and I have the perfect man for me! Great post!

The Blue Ridge Gal

Shannon said...

I have an Uncle that divorced then remarried my Aunt. They were married for thirteen years before divorcing (married twenty more and counting now...). They suspect they divorced because they lost their jobs, had to move, and had another baby. It was just too much and the stress got to them. They found their way back to each, found a way to communicate, and were able to move on.
The forgive and forget part hits hard with me. I think it is a blessing if you can forgive and forget easily. I am not blessed with this ability. It is very difficult for me to forgive although I think I am getting better at it. The forgetting is nearly impossible for me which I really don't like and try to work on daily!
I do sometimes wonder about the people who dated in high school, separate, then marry later in life. I can't imagine doing that with that person??
What an interesting topic though!

Nanci said...

Well speaking from one who married way too young,should have gone to college etc.
I divorced him, and since I didn't talk to him after divorcing him, I cannot ever imagine living with the idiot again!
Nope, nope nope, as much as I love my hubby, I would never marry him again if it came to that. Men are too much work!

Gayla said...

It has to do with why you married in the first place and why you divorced... and with what you've done separately in between. I think we tend to imagine our ex spouses have remained the same... sometimes I think we come to terms with that and maybe think we could now deal with whatever "monster" lurked in the marriage that made is hang it up... only to discover that the man left isn't him at all... No, haven't remarried anybody... would I? I was taught by my grandmother to never say never about anything.... But... as the 8 ball speaketh. "Chances are slim." haha... What an odd little post, honey... Hugs.

Terri and Bob said...

I'd say goat cheese reminds me of cream cheese but a little more tart and crumbly. I really like it. You can find it in a package shaped like a tube or in another style of package that is in crumbles, like bleu cheese. Both will work. I am kinda addicted to goat cheese for some reason right now.

Mona said...

Well, I guess if you get a divorce you aren't forgiving that person, are you? Perhaps later? Many, many women..and some men probably, have regreted making the decision to divorce. Not sure why the subject of forgiveness would make a persons head spin, but then it is a rather deep subject. One that takes a lot of thought and reflection to answer truthfully. Now that I think about it, it made my head spin too. :) It made me think.
The "remarriage" thing. On that subject, perhaps the thing that made them love and want to marry that person in the first place was outweighted by whatever it was about the other person that they didn't like. Remarrying the person can be because the negitive things faded in their minds and they saw the good again. Whatever the case..I would never say never.
You just may have to eat your words one day. :) Stuff happens.
Loved your blog. Really interesting reading.