Suicide

Last weekend, after encountering some comments about people who commit suicide, I decided to tell my story. Suicide is not something you can hide, ignore, or brag about. At some point in your life you have to deal with it ---whether it be a family member, friend or even friend of a friend. It's not a topic to share with someone who doesn't understand. For those that are left behind, we deal with so much gossip and senselessness. We bite our lip and hide our insecurities. If there is anything I can accomplish from this post, it is just to advise and educate people about those left behind and how we feel.


For me, it was my dear ole dad. It happened on July 17th, 2006. It was a super hot day, and I had a tremendous headache unlike any I have experienced since. Every time I get a headache, anytime it is super hot and humid outside, and anytime I hear the word suicide, I think of my father. He helped create me. I am a part of him. Therefore, when I hear people make rude and uncaring remarks, I feel violated and hurt --- especially when those remarks come from family, close friends, and co-workers.

My dad had been physically ill for quite some time and emotionally drained. He did not commit suicide to punish those he loved. He did not commit suicide because he was crazy. He did not commit suicide because he did not love us. My dad committed suicide because he saw no other choice than to end his suffering. It may not have been the right thing to do. It may have hurt a lot of people. However, he is my father. Do not judge him.

Last weekend I spent some time with my husband's family. After Easter dinner the conversation somehow turned to suicide. It made my heart race and my stomach jerk. I could not believe some of the things being said --- especially in light of knowing my dad did this almost 5 years ago. I listened to comments that described people who commit suicide are crazy or they would never do such a thing, how they are not in their right minds when they do it, how it must be like for people to have to pick up body parts that have been blown all over the place. Those are just some of the comments I remember. I chose to sit in the living room by myself and started texting my best friend for distraction.

After 5 years one would think I could finally just ignore comments like that, but considering it was "family," I was more inclined to be furious at myself. Furious for allowing myself to get so angry for not speaking up to them and ask them why they were talking about my dad. Furious that my husband wouldn't tell them, "Hey, let's talk about something else." Furious because he rolled his eyes when I asked him for truck keys so I could leave. Furious for not educating them on my feelings.

Two weeks after I returned from funeral leave from work, I got to sit and wait on a daily morning meeting we have at work. My boss, along with another co-worker, said some things very, very similar to what my husband's family said although knowing full well what I had gone through. I chalked it up to their being complete jerks for hurting me like that. It's something I will never ever forget. Thank goodness, the Superintendent came in, asked what they were talking about, looked directly at me and changed their conversation. Later my boss even told me, "You know your dad was out of his mind to do something like that." Really? I'm so glad she informed me of her opinion. Interestingly enough, I believe in Karma.

I'm sure I can speak for any person who is left behind. We take those comments personally. We feel like we have failed. Failed for not telling them we love them before they walked out the door for the last time. Failed for not telling them all sorts of things good, bad, and indifferent. Failed mostly because we couldn't save them.

So please keep these things in mind when you encounter someone left behind from a suicide. We don't want to be ignored when some else commits suicide. Don't be afraid to tell us about it. If you do say something completely stupid, just apologize to us. We know those things happen. Just don't keep talking about it.

As I reread this post I realize it didn't turn out quite like I had planned. However, I do believe I got my point across. I love my dad and miss him like crazy. Sometimes I think about having one last conversation with him. Sometimes I think about all the people he's missed in his lifetime and visiting with in Heaven right now. That makes me happy!

A Very Special Easter Bunny

When I was home from college for Easter many, many years ago...there came a knock on our door very early Easter morning. Mom came into my room and said there was someone at the door for me. I knew, but I didn't know. I knew Aunt Sadie had to be up to something because her son-in-law, my cousin Pete, was in town. Sure enough, it wasn't Pete. It was the Easter Bunny. There was no missing his big ole head and fuzzy white ears with huge eyes looking right at me through the door as I approached. He waved. Never thinking that bunnies really don't speak, he continued to wave until I opened the door. He handed me a bottle of bright pink nail polish and blew me a kiss. Around the corner he disappeared. Around that same corner were those sparkling blue eyes of Aunt Sadie dancing and laughing watching the expression on my face. Come on. How many 21 year olds actually get a real live visit from the Easter Bunny? I remember that day like it was yesterday.

However, for that Sweet ole Easter Bunny, the day continued. He made a trip south of Bevier to visit some very special little ones. His chauffeur, better known as cousin Jackie, parked the car at the end of the drive way for an easy getaway.

Easter Bunny knocked on the door and gave Tristan and Calvin some Easter goodies. Like me, he waved goodbye to them and skipped on down the drive way to his chauffeur driven car. The best part of this whole story is, Tristan and Calvin watched the Easter Bunny from the front window of their home. It had been a nasty rainy weekend. So to watch the Bunny in action was a dream come true. They kept their eyes on him.

They kept their eyes on him as he opened the car door, trying to slide as gracefully into the car as he could with his big ole head and ears. Tristan and Calvin's eyes were shining in complete amazement. Who knew? Who knew the Easter Bunny had a Chauffeur driven car? We never thought about that. We just knew he appeared at night while we were sleeping. Kinda like Santa. Only now, Tristan and Calvin actually knew he was driven around in his own private automobile by a beautiful blonde lady.

They kept their eyes on him as Jackie, the beautiful chauffeur put the car in drive.

And went no where.

Her wheels were spinning.

The Easter Bunny's chauffeur driven car was stuck in the mud. Tristan and Calvin continued to watch in amazement. Who would have ever thought. What would happen next.

The Easter Bunny got out of the car driven by that beautiful blonde. His big floppy ears hanging from his wobbly big head. His huge bunny paws and huge, I mean HUGE bunny feet walked slowly to the back of the car. The Bunny was hoping the children did not have to watch. But they did.

Tristan and Calvin watched with HUGE eyes as the Easter Bunny pushed his chauffeur driven car out of the mud. The beautiful chauffeur smiled lovingly. After a few pushes, the Bunny carefully, gracefully with his mud barren huge feet, hopped back into the car.

Tristan and Calvin watched as he drove out of sight...

Cousin Pete 2011

This is the Easter Bunny today. Some 20 years later. I miss him. He must've gotten a new outfit that is travel friendly. May the people of Schaumburg love you as much as the folks in Bevier. I love you Easter Bunny, BAWK BAWK!!

#8 A Pic That Makes Me Laugh

This was our first Opening Day at a Cardinals game 2 years ago. It was snowing and very, very cold. So of course they had these 3 young studs dance a hoochy dance. The winner earned the most applause. The skinny guy in the middle sat behind us. He didn't win. But the other skinny guy with his hands on his head did...it was a great day!!!

#7 My Most Treasured Item

SURPRISE!! My most treasured item is my Ipod. I LOVE it. Hubby gave me my first Ipod almost 5 years ago. I have to admit, my first thought was, "what the hell am I gonna do with this?" But I didn't say that. It took me over a month before I would finally sit down and learn how to use it. And, I haven't looked back. He gave me my second Ipod 2 Christmas' ago. This one holds a lot more songs, has a pedometer, a camera and much, much more. This dear item of mine has gotten me thru a lot of great to rotten moods over the past several years. I don't know what I'd do without it!!