Have I Told You

Have I told you how much I love to use expletives? Did I also tell you it was one of my New Year's Resolutions, to use less expletives? I've not done bad, but I've not been outstanding either. A phone call tonight tested my resolve. Our insurance company has a special plan. For a discount, you have to have phone conversations (meaningful ones) with a health nurse. (Are there other type of nurses?) This is suppose to occur monthly, however, that rarely happens to anyone I know in this plan.

Tonight I received a different call. It was from a "health coach". Not health nurse. Health coach. He, yes I said he, he introduced himself as my health coach. Beats me that I was suppose to be talking to a health coach. He enlightened me by telling me I requested "him". Hmmm. Okay. I usually have a wonderful memory for meaningless things and I can't believe I let this one get by me. After the first 60 seconds I got bored. I became frustrated, but I did not use any expletives. He asked me why I needed a health coach. Hmmm, since I couldn't remember asking for him I played with him for a minute. "I'm not sure why you even called," I say. "You requested a health coach," he reminded me.

Okay, I want to be healthier, lose a few pounds, eat better... the typical female thoughts came to mind and out of my mouth.

"So", he asks, "what is your goal?" Did I not just indulge him? I have many thoughts running through my mind. One of which is a question for God why he put so many people in my life that do not listen to a blasted thing I have to say. I know I'm boring. I know I'm not the most attractive, but wait!! He can't figure that out yet. Plus we are on the phone of all things.

Picturing him eating something with caramel while he has this discussion with me sets my mind ablaze. I tell him my secret, "I just want to feel better about myself." "OH," he replies as if he's jotting down a serious referral to a mental health professional. Mid MO is switching hands, where will I go? Where will he send me? My insurance company will cancel me for sure. The thoughts are racing. Why on earth did I tell this careless, flat man this info only he would not understand. (I'll explain later.)

We talk about weight loss. He "throws" some ideas to me. I'm pissed at this point. I'm listening to this man who probably has 2% body fat tell me how to figure good carbs. I'm ready to blow. Finally I say, "listen, I'm not dumb, I've done this for a long time. I know how to do all that. Every fat girl knows what she needs to do. I can almost guarantee it. I need motivation not someone telling me how to cut up radishes to take in my lunch. Or how to subtract fiber grams from carb grams." "Oh" he says softly. Then he lays on the horn, "what do you suggest?"

Verging on dropping the F-Bomb, I retaliate, "IF I KNEW WHAT TO SUGGEST I WOULD NOT BE HAVING THIS CONVERSATION WITH YOU, health coach (I whisper that part)."

"I see, I want you to know, Lisa, it's not that I'm being rude, there's just a delay on our phone system. I don't mean to talk over you." NOW I finally figured it out. He's just stuck on stupid. I did not complain about him talking over me. I cope with that problem everyday.

I try to tell him I'm frustrated. This time he really does talk over me. Then he apologizes. I listen to my monotoned health coach. I have nothing more to say. I really do, but I remember my resolutions. I wanted to say, and I can do this without using expletives, "is there someone there with big boobs? Boobs bigger than yours? Boobs would understand. Your big swinging tool is getting in the way of female communication tactics. Boobs would understand. Big tools don't." I didn't say that. Next time I might.

He thanked me for out "talk" and told me he would be in touch in 60 days. I sparkled silently. Only a man would think motivation could last a mere 60 days without tarnishment.

Have I told you I didn't use any expletives in this entire conversation?